I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
