hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
