is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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