I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
