i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
