I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
