Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
