well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
