I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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