Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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