Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
