It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
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i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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