The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
