I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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