How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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