Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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