my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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