Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
