Midget sex pt 2 tonight
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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