I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My feet surprised me
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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