I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
