even my farts smell like vagina
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
