Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
