Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
