She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
