He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
