even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Swine flu is the new snow day.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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