I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
