I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
