4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
