I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
