I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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