I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
