why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
well, you know. whores of a feather.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
