she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
