I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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