I skipped work to stalk him.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
