Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
