If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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