Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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