Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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