Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
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I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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