If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
