If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The struggles of a small town man whore
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