My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
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fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
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Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
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