new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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