i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
