I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
