I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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