Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
