This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
