y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
