toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
