Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
